Her Name Means Wild

Have you ever watched the sunset? The sky lighting up with hues of yellow, orange and pink, taking the sun to another place. I’m here, watching the most beautiful sunset in the world, thinking about so many things.

Dating is so difficult, complicated in fact. It’s been quite some time since Cessna accused me of not giving all men a fair chance. But do all men deserve fair chances? We all have our likes, dislikes. We have preferences, and convictions. Sometimes we put walls up to guard our hearts, to guard our walk. Nothing wrong with that, the world is full of temptation and falling into the wrong path seems easier than to do the right thing. But for Cessna’s sake, whatever he accused me of being picky about, he was wrong. I spoke to all men, of all races, religions, cultures, height, occupations etc. But compromising my faith to make a relationship work wasn’t an option. Maybe God is a forgiving God, but I have to live with my choices til my death. The way I saw all these men was temporary, and I saw God as permanent in my life. So I was devoted to him for “all men are like grass, they wither away”.

Its hard to explain Cessna’s love, it wasn’t like that of other men. But he was also very much broken. In the depths of my heart, I knew full well he pushed me away because he never felt worthy to be with me. In his mind he was sacrificing his happiness for my sake, that I needed someone more than him. Love is an interesting thing, it’s nothing that can be taught or explained. It was difficult to say the least, to take in all the ways he was pushing me away. His words hurt me and it became so hard to forgive. How do you process hearing that you aren’t worth defending by a man who you knew loved you? I won’t lie, I questioned his love, and the more I thought about those words, the more I felt a piercing in my heart and I was overwhelmed with insecurities. This was the same man who would look at me and tell me how beautiful my soul was and how beautiful I was. It seems like ages since I heard him say that, but instead I’ve watched him rave over the outer beauty of other women and soon realizing I was not enough for him. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish what he does out of pain and what he truly may be. I knew him better than anyone, I could look at him in the eye and know every unspoken word. It was our love language. Every possible way he was misunderstood, I understood. I used to feel honored to know him so deeply and I will forever defend his name, and honor him.

I wanted to prove to him he was wrong. So I said yes. Yes to a date with a man who I barely knew. And let me tell you, of all the dating stories I can write about this one really scarred me. It was awkward from the start. He seemed like he was having a panic attack and I gave him the option to leave. He complained it was too hot and he didn’t feel well, and I knew the night would not go well. And I was right. He just got up during our conversation and left. Yes, you read that right. I was blown away at his rudeness. The next day he texted me to say, “I am sure you noticed I was acting weird. I don’t act like that around girls I’m actually into. And I had a real date to get to”. I don’t understand where this came from, I couldn’t understand why he would ask me out if he was going to treat me like that. And telling me he was going on a “real date” after was unnecessary, we had no obligation to each other and I didn’t care if he dated others, but to say that was rude. He proceeded to tell me “I am really disappointed that you went on your trip to Spain and got darker. But you must have good dreams at night if you think any man would come after you.”. Clearly this man has issues.

It’s easier to blame Cessna. All I wanted in that moment was to fall into his arms and cry. How can one person say such terrible things to another human. It was Cessna’s fault. He pushed me, to go out with people I should not have, placing me in position to be deeply hurt. We should be together, him and I. But he was embalmed in the robes of death that he saw nothing wrong with the way this man talked to me. For the first time in years, I felt hate towards Cessna. I hated the mask he wore, I hated the good man he hid, I hated how he was okay with putting me down and others putting me down. He is so far gone, that all the years I spent on my knees for this man seem like a chasm in the wind. His love was that of the sunset, beautiful. It was the only way he knew how to love, how to love me, sacrificially and unconditionally, which meant giving me up. Despite knowing all these truths, the further he became, the more painful it was.

The sunsets change and take me with them. Things change. The sunsets are beautiful but they leave behind a dark night. Everything has come to an end and the night seems so lonely. Do sunsets ever lose their beauty? They are different every night, they are different every season. And still they are radiant. The sky is all we have, for what we once loved is destroyed. Can we ever go back to that love we once felt? He broke my heart in many ways and yet I love him, I always will. And all that is left is the stars in sky. A searing pain I once prayed you would heal from, are now the wounds I carry. I have lost everything and I have lost you, my best friend, and the man who holds my heart.

Have you ever watched the sunset? I am starting to drift away and just as you forgot the beauty of the skies Cessna, so you forget me as I fade into the night.