Her Name Means Wild

I have often wondered why God has positioned me in certain places and situations. There are times I feel frustrated with where I am at, other times I cannot seem to comprehend what good could possibly come from it. A few weeks ago my morning started out like every ordinary morning. I sat with my home brewed Starbucks while I read for a bit in my favorite chair, then I went about my busy filled day.

Maybe I am weird, I couldn’t understand it. Why did I just sit there? It’s as though I was frozen in time and space and yet, though I didn’t even know this woman I felt compelled to be there in that moment of her extreme loss. She knew I was there. She didn’t know me, and I did not know her and we were just separated by a metal wall. A part of me didn’t want to know her, because that would mean someone I knew just had a miscarriage. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right. Why me? Why her? The restroom suddenly became very chilly. The silence beyond her sobbing was so loud and yet, I could hear my mind confused – how do I even pray? So I just started rambling words in my head and formulating probably meaningless sentences into prayers.

Why I am here? Those were the longest minutes of my life, by no exaggeration. How could this moment be meant for any good? Someone just lost a baby. I now have a little ptsd from using public restrooms. I grabbed my purse and started digging through it.

As I stepped out into the world, everything just seemed to go on. Nothing, and no one knew what had just occurred in that lonely sphere. In the past I asked God many questions, things I didn’t understand, things I didn’t like. Why wasn’t I gifted with humor to make others laugh? Why am I so quiet? Why am not quick with my words? Why am I so boring? Why am I not this, why am I not that? Yet I understood in that very moment, my silent presence was just enough. It was what was needed. Who else would sit on a public toilet for at least an hour for someone she barely knew. A weirdo like me. We each have different gifts, gifts we use in the places we are positioned. Maybe our positioning isn’t only about us, it’s about what we are meant to accomplish for others and what others are meant to accomplish for us. Our purpose is found in our position. Nothing is ever wasted. No one will tell us we changed the world, but I am here to tell you we do change the world in every little thing we do. The thing is, you are more than enough, I am enough for those that are placed in our lives and those that cross our paths. We are enough for those entrusted to us in our position. She picked up the item I left on floor between us, the same item someone had given me earlier that morning.

It was a cloudy day. The sun hid from the earth and I didn’t look back. I don’t wish to remember the details of this day, though they are engraved in me.