Our meeting was so incidental, it was funny what you asked me just so you could start up a conversation. But that was the first day of this journey for me. I don’t think I understood much of relationships before than, I probably still don’t. We spent so much time together. We’d have coffee, study together, and you would walk me to my classes. We had great discussions. It was all such a fairy tale and anyone who knew us would dream of us “together forever”, as they would say.
Everything seemed perfect until that day you asked if I really wanted to be a nurse, ‘do you really want to wipe someone’s butt for the rest of your life’? I wasn’t so sure anymore, at least not when you put it that way. Maybe I would teach Calculus, I thought, I love math. In fact I was that nerd that took calculus for fun. I must have said something to Anatomy & Physiology instructor because he was very persuasive about why I should be a nurse. One day I jokingly said, “if God wants me to be a nurse than He’s got to pay for it”. I can’t even understand God’s ways because a few weeks later, I was offered a full scholarship for nursing. I told him about it, and he never saw me the same again. He turned around and walked away. I was suddenly beneath him. That day I had to choose to go after him or go in this different direction. This was like a movie scene, was I to pick him? I could have had it all, all that my heart sometimes aches for…the house with the porch, kids running around, a fenced in yard for all my dogs, a man.
I let him go. I never fully understood the meaning of heartbreak till that moment, and maybe a part of me wished he would understand why I wanted to be a nurse. It wasn’t for money, it wasn’t because the hours are glamorous.
Every choice we make in life determines what will be. Sometimes God closes a door so He can open another. We have to be brave enough to trust him even when it looks like we are losing something. The return is always greater than the loss. I look at my life and I see the people in it. I wasn’t able to give my heart up to a man I can call mine. Instead I met amazing individuals on my journey. I’ve made amazing friends. I realized my heart wasn’t mine to give away.
Thus, I began my nursing career. A life to serve and be a light for others. God didn’t want me to settle. He wanted a life for me that included dirty nurse humor to help me get through those hard days. If I didn’t choose the path God wanted and went after that guy, I would have never met you. I always say, there’s a reason we met and that reason is so good!
You saw me that day from the distance, as you stood imprisoned by those chain shackles. I stood in my scrubs with a stethoscope around my neck. What were you looking for? I was just as broken as you. He wanted something I had. He took little pieces of her heart, with no intent of returning them, he needed them to fill his empty cup. But I freely gave away pieces to him and to anyone who needed it. “My heart is an empty cup” he said, “you can pour anything you want in it” and so I did. The funny part about having missing pieces is you would assume to feel empty inside, but I felt more full than that day that guy turned his back to me.
And I realized, being with the wrong person is more lonely and painful than being single, because in this single life I have felt more love and just as my pastor says, “proximity does not equal intimacy”; thus I became more than that girl left standing alone in those hallways.