Her Name Means Wild

Looking back it seems like my days were the same and nothing changed. I miss all the things that seem familiar. The smells, the faces, and even the flowers. There is always a sense of comfort in the old. The routine.  The things that I know.  However, I hope for a brighter year, isn’t everyone? A year filled with new beginnings, new adventures, new relationships.

New relationships.

The heart can trick you unlike anything you have known.  That’s why it’s wise to guard it, because like it states, everything you do flows from it.  All this time I was a little angry at God, that He was just ignoring my prayers.  In reality, He was guarding my heart because I didn’t understand the things it desired.  I won’t lie, I ponder about why relationships never worked out.  Could I be that much of a screw up?  But it wasn’t until a few weeks ago when a man said this to me, that I was beautiful on the inside as well as the outside, every inch of my soul and body was beautiful.  No man has ever said that to me.  Of course it’s different when a man says them.  I was always lacking in something for someone.  I wasn’t tall, blonde, kind enough, Indian enough, smart enough, rich enough, I don’t know that list was long!  But that day he said those words to me changed the game.    How did he see the outside and still see me on the inside?  He changed the way I will look at myself, the way I will date, and if I will always be single – well, it is still well with my soul.

Today, I’m no longer angry at God.  I am finally understanding what my heart has been desiring all this time.  I wanted to be worthy, why was I trying to settle for less.  Instead, I’m grateful He closed doors when He did so I wouldn’t end up regretfully married to someone who didn’t see all of me.  God uses the ordinary yet amazing people I surround myself with to bring me to a place of spiritual growth, into a deeper relationship with God and this is the greatest desire of my heart.

By no means is my life ordinary or text book.  My journey has looked so different from what my culture says it should look like, and I’m okay with that.  I want my life to look like the one designed specifically for me.  As I look back through the years, I see everything has changed. I’ve changed. I wasn’t the same girl I was those many years ago. Times of running through the weeded fields I grew. Not vertically, unfortunately. But I grew.  I grew into the woman I am today. Some may not like it, and others may appreciate it. But this is who I am, I live to the beat of a different drum.