It was a warm afternoon and I was 4 years old at that time and this would be my very first memory.
As I walked into the room, there my grandparents were sitting with my sister reading together. I will never forget that day. I didn’t want to be there anyway; I wanted to sit on the living floor and color. But it was my mom’s idea that I should practice reading and writing with my grandma-the English and Literature instructor.
“Go away, can’t you see we are reading with your sister.” I walked out of that room sobbing. Unwanted was the first emotion I remember feeling in my life. As I turned and looked behind me, I saw the perfect picture of grandparents, a picture that would never include me. I ran for my mother and instantly she asked why I was crying. I looked up at her and collapsed, hitting the kitchen floor.
Thus began my journey. Two things stemmed from that day. One was the battle I faced inside me and the second started with many, many visits to the Pediatric Intensive care. Both would bring me to this day. Though I wasn’t thinking about my future, God envisioned December 31st 2016 for me.
At the start of the year, my prayer was for restoration. Not knowing what that meant, I still asked for it because it seemed like the perfect follow up to redemption. Somehow, through the mess of 2016 I found spiritual restoration, a restoration for my soul.
Then in the stillness of dawn, these lyrics came to mind. “Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night, its only right to think about the girl you love and hold her tight.”
I was innocent that day, yet I was unwanted. In my heart lies a deep longing to be loved and wanted, accepted and treasured. Today, I am but an adulterous woman and the only one that wants me is Christ. I was unfaithful to Him and ran after the world. “She will chase after her lovers but not find them; she will look for them but not find them.” But He restores his people. “If I should call you up, invest a dime, and you say you belong to me and ease my mind.” He calls me His and holds me tight. He will never cheat me, never divorce me. Though I am filled with guilt and shame, he removes it all. “Me and you and you and me. No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be, the only one for me is you, and you for me. So happy together.” Christ used the very thing that broke me to restore me.
Oh though I’ve died a thousand times, I have been called to be the bride of Christ. Nothing can separate me from his love and he fulfills the deepest longings of my heart. The restoration I discovered was intimacy with my Savior. This is my perfect picture, a picture only Christ saw that day I fell on the kitchen floor.