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But Jesus makes my heart beautiful

Insecurities. Yes, today we are going to talk about insecurities of our past and present, because there’s no room for them in the future.
You might be thinking, what could I possibly have to say about insecurities. For most of you who haven’t landed on my couch or been to my pity breakfast, you may think I have it all together. That’s probably the furthest thing from the truth. Pity breakfast is a real thing.
In 2013 I took a lovely trip to INDIA which would turn to be less lovely very quickly. I remember every conversation I had with all kinds of people who I would never see again. And as these conversations were uplifting and some life changing for me and for them, the reality is that I wanted to leave and come back home. I recall sleepless nights, days where I felt unpeace and imprisoned. Don’t get me wrong, INDIA isn’t all that bad-but it wasn’t for me and I quickly came to that realization.
I remember the words that struck me in the depths of my hearts, at the source of my insecurity. It brought back painful memories of the past. I was judged on all accounts. There was no room for tears that day. Instead, I did what most mature women would do. I deactivated all my social media accounts and tried to hide from the world.
I felt ugly and unloved. I fell into the lie that I was not worthy and I had nothing to offer to anyone. I was not good enough. Those words, though small and short, changed my life. It was a slippery slope. Feelings of inadequacy soon consumed me as I had to live to prove my self worth to those around me at work, my friends, and at church. I don’t know if anyone saw it and I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.
Satan and his minions have a way of pulling you down by making you believe his lies. I did. I questioned God. How shallow was my thinking-if only I was prettier… if only I was taller… if only I was smarter… if only I was better… if only…that list went on for miles.
Everyone has an insecurity. It takes captive when we allow it to and regardless of how high our self esteem and confidence, we are all prone to its damage. I can put a front up on how strong I am but in reality, the damage was real. Inward I was hurting.
Looking back, I wish I responded differently. I wish my response was more adult like. But the truth is that today I have scars. I don’t think I would trade in my battle wounds for a different life or an easy out. I had to go the course I went through so God could build me. The scars today remind me of how and when I fell. It reminds me of the grace I was offered on that journey. And this journey brought many wonderful people into my life. The journey changed me.
I don’t have a simple answer on how to avoid insecurities or how to eliminate them from making us spiral downward. All it took was three words to throw me into the wilderness.
Because of what I went through, I see the power of words. Words can build up and words can tear down. The only thing left to do is embrace our insecurities. They make us who we are. Today I laugh at myself. I’m not the smartest person, but I ask questions so that I may learn. I’m definitely not tall, so I welcome those fancy pair of heels. And I’m not pretty, but I smile because Jesus makes my heart beautiful beyond measure.

 

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